Till Next Time

by AmyDolores

I’m typing this hunched at the edge of my desk. The other half is covered in a sloppily folded pile of summer clothes that I still haven’t stored away, which is hiding the low water line of my dying flowers. I see it but I don’t care. It’s 10:37 and on a normal night, especially a normal Monday night, I would be buzzing around my house, busying myself with my bed time ritual of “hurry to slow down.” Get it all done so you can sleep.

But tonight I got the itch, the work week hasn’t gotten to me yet and instead of diving head first into responsibility and achievements, I take a detour into myself. As I brought up in my last post, these inspired moments are rare. I haven’t quite figured out their ingredients – not sure I ever will. They are always different and maybe it really is just chemical. Everything just feels right and I don’t know if that is fate or mental state or maybe a mix of both.

Was it because I exercised and relieved all that stress? Was it the glass of wine each night this weekend? Or did that make it worse? No, it was his smile that morning. It was her laugh over the phone and the anticipation of seeing it in real life next week. It was me noticing. It was my mind letting me being kind, letting me stop the noise and the imbalance. It was listening to the drizzle of the rain and discovering how being in a cozy bed when its pouring outside your window is almost as satisfying as a hug – cocooning you a warm little space of relief.

These moments polarize my mentality. I see that I spend so much time trying to get away from the ugly feelings – stress, tension, doubt, fear, sadness, nothingness – that I grapple at the little things. I am saying this like I have some sage wisdom now- Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m so smug in my easy peace of mind. But I empathize with my more frazzled state as well. It will come again and I understand that its nothing I can run away from. I will ride it out and have faith in the next wave of clarity. The next time when everything feels right and you just can’t place it but it’s so nice you don’t want to.

Till next time…