Back at it again with the writing

I’m older, wiser, more logical, less narcassistic and also feeling less inspired to write but still think its a good idea and still love run on sentences.

I used to write because it helped me close the loop — put a pretty bow on an idea I had and make it nice and tidy. But I’ve started to form an opinion on life: it’s messy and there is no bow to tie.

Still, I’ve figured out some stuff in the years that took me from 21 to 27. If you’re younger and feel like you’ll get something out of it — awesome. I hope so. But in all honesty, nothing will change you like life happening to you. In case you want to take a peak into your likely future or tell me I’m completely wrong, let me share my major revelations of these 20 something years. Here goes nothing:

Living in the present is a thing

It’s important to have aspirations but that whole phrase about “it’s the journey that matters” is so stupidly true. Once your reach the bar, it just jumps higher. There are 2 ways you reach this peak: slowly, so much that it becomes your new norm and is no longer satiating or quickly and the rush fades just as fast.

I’ve achieved a good chunk of what I imagined for myself in my 20’s and ya know what? It isn’t like my world flipped upside down and became a million times better once I reached this ‘ideal’ for my life. My standards have changed and this ‘ideal state’ feels normal, if not enough. I don’t feel like some majorily accomplished bad ass.

That raise? That amazing trip? The high is definitely there but it fades after a while and you’re left with plain old life which doesn’t have to be that plain or old.

I’ve learned that I don’t want to be famous or make a billion dollars or be the best of the best anymore. It’s not because I lack ambition. It’s because I know that outward ‘wins’ won’t give me peace of mind. Fulfillment (still figuring that one out) and gratitude for the good in my life — as it is right now, not what it could be — is what gives me peace of mind.

It’s very boring and unglamorous but the truth of it is, all that pendulum swaying — all the highs and lows of life — are not what make or break your happiness. Slow and steady wins the race. Happiness is a consistent mental check-in to say “I’m grateful for my life as it is today.” 

Keep a gratitude journal and force yourself to write it in even when you’re tired and can’t read what you just wrote. When you feel like seeing life in a positive light, embrace it and ride that out. Yes, that moment with your friends, in your sweatpants lookin a hot mess and stuffing your face with cheetos is really as wonderful as it feels. That unseemingly magical moment of connection is the good stuff. It’s not about where you are in your environment, its about where you are in your mind and just being present through the good, bad, boring, exciting, the whatever helps you feel gratitude for your life with all its glorious, day to day minutia.

Surprise, you’re not immortal

Fast and furious — some car movie and also the name of my hangovers these days. Hello headache and overall-shit-vibe after a boozy night of a tremendous four drinks. I can already hear the 21 year olds laughing at my sad limits and the 50 year olds laughing at me because I’m barely a quarter through life with a decently healthy body. It still kind of is and bless it so! I won’t take it for granted. I won’t take it for granted. I won’t… most of the time. It’s like I left the 3 mile radius of my college town and all of sudden a 2-day hangover became a thing, I realized I desperately need 7 hrs of sleep to be human and discovered that what I eat and how much I exercise actually impacts my well-being outside of just looking fit.

This path to body enlightment was rocky. Like anything in life, you don’t really pay attention to it until your forced to.

Also learned (now that I pay for my own health insurance) preventive care is generally cheaper than diagnostic care. Take care of your bod! If you’re in your early 20’s and are weirdly responsible, here are some tips that will help you create a good foundation so you don’t feel yourself age like I have:

• Get into a consistent sleep habit, preferably with at least 7 hrs of sleep most of the time.
• Warm up before you work out (and screw muscle strains).
• Actually work out and do it several times a week — for your brain and to keep your hot bod.
• Food. Put some veggies on your plate at every meal and don’t become obsessed. Everything in moderation, including moderation.
• Don’t binge drink all the time. It gets old fast (and funny story, you will too). You’ll also start to see a direct correlation to your immune system function (or lack there of) with every episode.

Relationships are fluid

My dad once told me that he’s loved my mom in phases, every 7 years or so he felt like he was loving a different woman even though it was the same person and that he loved her a different way each time. He told me this when I was a teen and, frankly, I thought nothing of it other than it was a little weird. She is the same mom I’ve had my whole life — I don’t know what you’re talking about (haha naive little Amy). But now I understand and actually think, damn Dad, it took her 7 years to change? I feel like we all change so much, so subtly that being in a long-term relationship, you’re really dating a new person little by little. Both people change, the relationship changes. Just because you aren’t feeling a lovey dovey one month doesn’t mean you won’t the next and vice versa.

Relatioships aren’t solidified things: the commitment might be but the relationship itself is ever-changing and you have to go with the flow that it brings if you want to stick to it.

Same goes for friends. Friends come and go. Not one friend comes and another goes. More like one friend comes and then goes and then comes back again and that is okay. We are ever-changing, our perspectives and values and lifestyles. You might have someone in your life that you could never imagine losing but you could and still be okay because you’ll have moved on. They might pop up in your life again and it makes perfect sense to be close once more or you have lunch and realize you’ve both become such different people. A little sad, but not bad, just life.

Don’t cling on to relationships for dear life. If they need to breath a bit, let it happen. I don’t quite believe in fate but a string that still has me hanging: when it comes to relationships (platonic, romantic, familial) if they’re meant to be, they’ll come around again. If not, be grateful for the connection you had and let it be the foundation for each of you to have new happy relationships.

Pain brings new perspective

I don’t need to go into the nitty gritty on this post, but while my life may look pretty damn peachy, I’ve been through some shit. Maybe I’ll go into details in another post but for now, I’ll just summarize and say I fought my own very quiet, private battle for a while and can confidently say I was put through the wringer.

When you go through things, you’re miserable and it’s like you’ve put on grey-colored glasses. It sucks the joy of things and life is just different in every dimension.

It sounds fucked up but I really hope this happens to you.

For me, it was awful but I came out of it a truly better person. I feel shameless in saying that because I earned my stripes — slowly and painfully. My personal shit has made me a better person and it can make you one too. If you’re going through your own hell hole, please keep in mind that you can come out of this with a new perspective:

• You’re a tough cookie. Now that you’ve been through this, you feel a lot more invincible. A shitty day? Try a shitty month or year or more! You’ve got this.
• You are more understanding. Everyone is fighting their own battles. You take things less personally when you realize the root of behaviors have a lot to do with that person and their shit and not you.
• But you care less. You don’t put up with or tolerate small nusances because they just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. When you’ve been to hell and back you see what matters to you and you prioritize it. All the other stuff falls to the wayside as it should.
• You see the importance of good. Good in people, good in the world. When someone is a fundamentally good person, all the little bothersome shit won’t even phase you. You’ll hold onto them because you’ll see how important that is in life. Good people are the life vest’s that will buoy you to the surface when life tries to swallow you up in a sea of hopelessness.
• And you’ll drop the shallow acquaintances. Yes, they’re hilarious when you’re all drunk but do they call a cab when you’re puking in the bar bathroom or ditch you to go home with the hot guy? BYE. Not worth it.

So there you have it. My revelations of my so-far 20’s. I am not as wise and old as I will be 5 years from now but I’m certainly glad I’m not 21 anymore. Here is to more discoveries and perhaps a complete unraveling of all my learnings so far. 

Starting Off

My brain short circuits at the end of the weekend. No matter how many times I do it, the start of my work week is new, shiny and filled with promise. A loan soldier, fighting for “the dream” in my generally pragmatic mind.

My commute playlist floods my mind with thoughts of accomplishment and “all is right in the world” vibes. My coffee tastes better. All these sky-rises I walk past – they’re filled with dreams come to life not tired workers waiting for the weekend. I get to my desk and think of all the ways I’m gonna kick this week’s ass.

By mid-week I’m eager for Friday but not feeling like I’ve earned it. I should’ve done more on Tuesday night. I could’ve of skipped lunch and come into that presentation more prepared, then I would’ve gotten more  buy-in. I could have went running after work today.

The should’ve, could’ve, would’ve pack of wolves comes out in full force and I’m beat again. Current life goal? How to keep those ball-buster vibes alive till the weekend. How do I get back to feeling like I’ve earned my Friday?

 

Present In Ourselves

When we hear some beautiful piece of Mozart or admire a wonderful building, we suddenly become present in ourselves. That’s unusual nowadays because dishevelment and distraction have become an art form.

-John O’Donohue

Blind Faith

I’ve felt this a few times in my life – the typical “Santa Claus is not real… fuck” feeling. Obviously, when I realized Santa Claus isn’t real. Also, when I found myself less and less intrigued by playing Barbies and couldn’t understand where or why my imagination left me. This isn’t a cool girl living a storybook life in a beautiful house? This is a plastic doll lying on a makeshift pillow made with jagged seams from a clumsy 11 year old’s fingers and stuffed with toilet paper! In college, it was the realization that guys aren’t dreaming of whimsical, sunset stories of falling in love as much as they are falling into your bed and post-college it was that you don’t get a great, thrilling job simply because you are amazing and can’t they see your potential just by looking at you?!

Life has a way of slowly (albeit, not gently) having you face reality and lose a little piece of your blind faith. These days I’ve learned to not trust blindly. That sounds very guarded and terrible, I know! It’s not so much that the world is a horrible place and everyone is out to get you – I haven’t gotten that sour yet. Rather, I am at my dentist with some contraption poking out of my mouth, a drill sanding down my tooth and I’m all too aware that he could fuck up my teeth with a mere slip of the hand or mind. Start thinking about that argument you had with your daughter as she left for school that morning or that bill that has been sitting on the counter? My teeth are ruined!

It’s not that I don’t think my dentist is a perfectly amazing dentist. Thanks to his expertise I am rockin’ a few fillings these days and my teeth are happy campers. I’ve just learned that other adults have a few more years under their belt, but they are just like me. Human, doubting, learning, imperfect, growing, fucking-up, doing alright. We are all capable of amazing things and being especially good at one thing but we are all still humans and have imperfections all over the place.

Now I am at the good part (finally) – if we stop having such blind faith in other peoples abilities, why do we still hold such a high value for their opinion? Aka, why do we give any fucks at all? Why do I feel so much sway by others perspective and beliefs when there is no reason to believe that this is ‘word’ or a truth. There is experience – I will probably value my mom’s opinion on life’s hardships a bit more than I value my 25 year old friend but what do I know? They’ve both lived very differently, one longer than the other but completely in unrelated circumstances. How can I decide which one is more valuable to me?

All this said, I still think its important to hear it all. Don’t be a bigot. Listen to every aspect and outlook. They all arrived at this belief somehow. Learn their story and know that you might not agree but respect that their experiences (or even lack thereof) brought them where they are that day.

Just after you hear it, stick to your truths. No one has lived, thought or felt the things you have in every single circumstance. Having a shared perspective is a special connection that brings peace of mind but you have to realize that while you may agree in that very finite situation, matching perfectly in that instant, a brief parallel – not a single soul in this world has experienced everything as you have. Why worry if someone else disagrees with you? You are human. They are human. While I think we are all programmed to believe someone has something over us, the grass is greener, they are smarter, wiser, older, something-er and we should value their perspective over our own – don’t just give them the benefit of the doubt. Learn, adjust if you see fit and always stick to your truths.

 

 

Till Next Time

I’m typing this hunched at the edge of my desk. The other half is covered in a sloppily folded pile of summer clothes that I still haven’t stored away, which is hiding the low water line of my dying flowers. I see it but I don’t care. It’s 10:37 and on a normal night, especially a normal Monday night, I would be buzzing around my house, busying myself with my bed time ritual of “hurry to slow down.” Get it all done so you can sleep.

But tonight I got the itch, the work week hasn’t gotten to me yet and instead of diving head first into responsibility and achievements, I take a detour into myself. As I brought up in my last post, these inspired moments are rare. I haven’t quite figured out their ingredients – not sure I ever will. They are always different and maybe it really is just chemical. Everything just feels right and I don’t know if that is fate or mental state or maybe a mix of both.

Was it because I exercised and relieved all that stress? Was it the glass of wine each night this weekend? Or did that make it worse? No, it was his smile that morning. It was her laugh over the phone and the anticipation of seeing it in real life next week. It was me noticing. It was my mind letting me being kind, letting me stop the noise and the imbalance. It was listening to the drizzle of the rain and discovering how being in a cozy bed when its pouring outside your window is almost as satisfying as a hug – cocooning you a warm little space of relief.

These moments polarize my mentality. I see that I spend so much time trying to get away from the ugly feelings – stress, tension, doubt, fear, sadness, nothingness – that I grapple at the little things. I am saying this like I have some sage wisdom now- Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m so smug in my easy peace of mind. But I empathize with my more frazzled state as well. It will come again and I understand that its nothing I can run away from. I will ride it out and have faith in the next wave of clarity. The next time when everything feels right and you just can’t place it but it’s so nice you don’t want to.

Till next time…

What It Feels Like to Change

My words aren’t terribly inspired these days. I know this. I feel it in the way I write and speak and draw. Today I found myself sulking at the realization that I’ve changed. I don’t know if it is bad. I don’t quite know how either. I’ve realized that much of my life I chased something different. I wanted more creativity, more style, more uniqueness. New. Adventures. Change. It’s not that I don’t appreciate these things any more. The ants are infinitely in my pants and diversity still awakens and excites me.

I think its just that I see so many of the lifestyles I daydreamed of living and realize much of it is an image, an idea and, in the end, we’re all quite the same. We all have happiness and hardships. We all eat and sleep and shit. Your hair might be purple and your jeans might be ripped. But I hope you see me in my beige trench-coat and know that I feel the brilliance of the sunshine and the monotony of working for a paycheck just like you do.

I find it harder and harder to buy into the magic of a creative hipster or to look starry-eyed at a fashionista in her designer shoes.  I don’t see the rainbows shining out of your ass anymore, I just hope you’re edge makes you happy.

I realize I sound quite jaded. Maybe I am. I used to feel happiness finding comfort in an idea and now that it has actualized, the reality of it has hardened me. So far, I’ve lived up to many of my dreams – traveling, growing a strong romantic relationship, living in a major city, working at a job with autonomy and lots of personal growth.  While they’re all truly wonderful, they aren’t as idyllic as the I imaged. Life still involves those jagged edges. The unplanned pains, shitty mental states, bad people and small but significant set backs.

With all this realization that the reality of my daydreams are sweet but still, well, real life, its as though I’ve done a 180. I care more about things that are close to home -family, my childhood house and city in all of it’s suburban glory (I used to HATE it there!), deep-rooted relationships and simple pleasures like drinking a good beer while I write this.  These things that bring my back to who I am without an idea or intention, just my purest self -these give me unparalleled happiness.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss feeling inspired by things I’ve never seen or done or felt. I still do. I still day dream. I pine for pining and the way it was so nonjudgmental and rooted in a faith for something unknown and unconfirmed. That unadulterated belief – it feels so good.  I still seek this and hope to feel it. Just now, I won’t dismiss people with simple wants the way I used to. I’m one of you now. I am a little jaded. I seek a real joy, not the idea of it. I get it. It’s the little things. The pure, ego-less things that grow that feeling of peaceful bliss. The gratefulness for the plausible, a happy reality rather than a happy dream.

Simple Morning Habits

I dig simple mornings. In fact, all my weekends are made up of simple mornings. I’ll wake up slow, its so easy to bum around in bed for an hour when your counterpart is snoozing away by your side. Once I’ve rustled around a lot and made enough “accidental” noise to wake him up (I know, I know, I’m incredibly mature and kind), we’ll decide which place we’re gonna hit up for breakfast – our ladies that run the sandwich shop (best.ham.and.egg.on.everything.bagel) or the perfectly un-perfect greasy spoon diner. Without fail, we’ll get the same food with the same drink with the same person at the same place… irrevocable creatures of habit from 10-2pm Saturday/Sunday. I can’t wait to be old people! We’ll be so good at it.

This Sunday I woke up with gumption and an exciting realization that I had a lot of fabulous breakfast ingredients. I take out our glutton mugs (size of my face), make a pot of pipping hot coffee and it’s cookin’ time! A classic omelet for the man of the house and a goat cheese, kalamata olive and green onion blend for me.

I like my eggs unhealthy – 3 eggs, a tablespoon of cream and a pad of butter for the pan – covered and cooked on med-low for 4 min.

Already Fall’in

I’m currently wearing moccasin slippers and a summer dress. Pretty great look, right? A perfect synonym to my feelings about heading into this chilly-ish season.

I love fall. I’m a shameless basic bitch. Pumkin Spice Lattes transformed my life last year (late bloomer). While I didn’t quite experience the changing of the leaves in dusty ol’ Arizona, I do appreciate the colors of foliage and their ever-present role in crafting. The type that is SO impressive after you’ve spent 5 hours gluing your fingers together just to find it was actually not that cute when you take it out of storage the following year. I’ll slide right into some leggings and pretend I can appropriately wear them to work with a tunic (aka shrunken dress). And all you men who think women frequently shave past September ha. HA.HA. It’s hibernatin’ season, boys! Confirm with Gillette. Sales are downnnn. Fall is HERE.

Then again, I have yet to sip my calorie laden latte and just recently entertained the idea of a scarf. I’m still weaning off fruit Popsicles and already missing the early sunrise. Summer left too soon and Fall came on too strong. San Francisco gave me like a week to get a “tan” and wear all the sundresses I accidentally pretended I needed.

Typical of life, I want it all but I’ve got to go with the flow. Welcome Fall. I am almost ready for you.

People vs. Places: My Experience with Urban Living

Satisfaction isn’t where you are. It took me thousands of dollars worth of rent and several years to realize that joy isn’t sourced through living in a beautiful location with infinite ability to explore and spend lots more money and say you did this or that. I know that (to a lot of people) this is a really satiating experience. I won’t glide past the glorious aspects of living in an urban setting just because of my overall disappointment in it.There are many moments where I look at my life through a rose colored lens and I can’t believe I live somewhere so magnificent, rich and vivacious. But those are moments. Daily life is still daily life. The sun climbing the sky and splinters of light slipping through the skyscrapers on my walk into work – that is breathtaking – but I’m still walking to work…

The city makes me feel smaller and lonelier and so extrinsic in value that almost nothing feels sacred. Being with people, sharing real conversations- peppered with humor but steeped in truth – those are the moments that bring me peace and happiness. Thinking back to travelling abroad – my favorite locations were the ones where I had great company. It is never where you are as much as who you are with.

Get Grounded

I went home for a week. I came back to my family and my roots. You forget how quickly you lost sight of those things – the little pockets of unused muscle memory that keep you grounded and give you clarity. The dirty dishes in the sink that you suddenly don’t mind. The worn quilt that doesn’t need to be replaced, just nuzzled and savored. It’s was a “duh” moment that I experienced in all of its ironic glory – I felt more beautiful and alive when I wasn’t caring about what I looked like or how I was living.

It makes me wonder if growing up just makes you come full circle – you constantly recognize yourself changing, developing, growing – you’re on this hamster wheel of evaluation and you can’t get off. Then you come home and you see you’re still made up of the same foundation. Maybe you shed some layers and revealed a shiny new coat of adulthood. Maybe you’ve come back weathered, tarnished and a bit worn from life’s pressures. Probably both, just one shows more than the other. But underneath it all, you’re still the same person. Without all the theatrics and ambitions and bullshit, you get back to your bare bones and you’ll think that your nothing without it all, but trust me when I say, you’ll feel so weightless you could fly.